


My Heart is Sick, But it Feels Nice

by gyu_trashling (ladynoirsdaughter)



Series: My Beautiful, Broken Body [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Gen, Insecurity, Lots of Angst, Mingyu is insecure, Pain, Seventeen in Caratland, Sickness, This Is Sad, pls don't hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 08:15:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10681323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladynoirsdaughter/pseuds/gyu_trashling
Summary: Mingyu was in the Hip Hop Unit to rap. That was it. No singing. Trying to hit notes and straining his voice made him ill. But the ugly feeling was something he didn't really want to escape.





	My Heart is Sick, But it Feels Nice

**Author's Note:**

> I've picked up on the fact that Mingyu has a lot of insecurities and I had to write something that voiced them, even if they are not the ones I have written about. I love Mingyu to pieces and want the best for him.
> 
> I'm just angsty as hell so please don't hate me or die because of this.
> 
> The last line translates to "you did a good job today" from Seventeen's Healing. I tried to get the best translation I could so I apologise if it is wrong.

**Seventeen in Caratland** was such a fun concept the group and management came up with and the boys were so excited for it. The performances, the interactions, the fun games and moments they would share on stage.

Rehearsals were going well and they had the main layout down, needing to run through performances and record backing vocals and make sure everyone could actually survive the three nights.

When it was suggested they all perform a song from another unit, there was a lot of speculation on how it could go.

Vocal Unit almost immediately decided on **Jam Jam** when they went for lunch, and decided to act out a picnic on stage with actual jam sandwiches. Telling the other members and the staff about it made everyone curious as to how they would do it.

Performance Unit came back at the end of the day saying they would cover **Lean On Me** , even adding in choreography which they do best.

It took a while longer for the Hip Hop Unit to choose a song, talking through to the late hours since they obviously had to take on the role of singing, and they went through many songs and conversations before deciding to shorten the song Vocal Unit were planning to sing at the shows - **Don't Listen In Secret**.

The next day was spent practicing, practicing, and more practicing. Everyone knew their songs well and had listened to them often, but they had to make sure they had the lyrics and timing absolutely right. It was tough, and when all three units met up during the middle of the day to show the others how they were going with it, one member didn't want to stand up.

Mingyu never liked singing. He wasn't made to sing, considering he was a rapper and he couldn't seem to raise his voice past a sort of mumble when he was asked to do the voice-straining task. He admired his friends and other idols who could sing for hours and wow everyone, but it wasn't for him.

So when Hip Hop Unit collected a microphone each and moved to stand before the group, the tallest would not look at anyone and only focused on when he was supposed to sing. His stomach was twisting so bad he felt like he would throw up. It was such an odd feeling after so long.

" _Of course I have the high notes_ ", he thought to himself, noting how Hansol came in with the start of the bridge. " _Any second now_."

Taking a breath Mingyu raised the microphone, closing his eyes and concentrating on hitting that note.

"I'm just standing here, where we used to be together." Even with his eyes closed and the music playing out loud, he can hear his friends. There's a mixture of 'ooh's and 'ah's and...laughing? " _Are they laughing at me?_ "

They close out the song, Mingyu not forgetting that one last high note before the final lyrics, and he hears it again - laughing. It seems to crush his insides and he feels that twisting feeling again, tilting his head so he's staring at his shoes once again.

The others give their normal congratulations full of clapping and random remarks of amazement, and the tall boy moves to put his microphone back on the table before grabbing a water bottle.

"Mingyu-hyung, I didn't know you had it in you to sing like that!" Chan says from his position on the floor and he almost cringes.

"I didn't either." It was small but audible enough, taking another gulp of water to end the conversation.

He didn't say anything else and they all dispersed quickly once again, the rap and dance groups going back to their original working place while the singers stayed behind and utilised the space of the practice room.

The walk to one of the small studio rooms felt all too quick for Mingyu's liking, keeping a firm hold on the water bottle the whole way and not paying attention to what the others were saying. At this point in time, he didn't really care.

~~~~~

They had plenty of time before their first show, more specifically almost two weeks, and Mingyu was nothing but dull during the times he had to sing. He was concentrated during a dance and energetic when he got to perform **Check In** , but every time he was scheduled to sing that stupid song, he shut down. It wasn't exactly shown as he put up a front like he was trained to do, but inside he was fighting and criticising himself repeatedly.

He much would have preferred to perform **When I Grow Up** , which he truly loved and would listen to often, occasionally mumbling the words, but he couldn't do this. Not this song.

He felt so stressed over it and when he had a free moment he would try and get it right, even going to Seokmin for help considering it was his part. Although, he was a natural for high notes and projecting his voice. It didn't help.

It started to make him feel useless. Everyone else in his unit could sing wonderful, having had a talent for it already and getting better over the years. They obviously sang often enough to have perfected the skill, but not him. No wonder he got the least amount of lines in the songs for their unit.

He felt bad for Jisoo, Junhui and Minghao who also got less lines in their units, though more fans took note of it. They dedicated their time to performing their best and it had paid off, all three being able to showcase their vocal talent on their recent album - Performance Unit even getting a dance video for **Highlight**.

Mingyu shouldn't complain considering he was able to go to Hong Kong and film a music video for their mixtape. It was nice and different with just the four of them. That orange hair still haunted him though.

He was up early for a change, noting how the sun had not yet shown any light, and moved quietly out to the bathroom to begin and get ready for the day even when they were allowed a slightly longer sleep-in than usual.

The first thing he noticed when the light was on and the door was closed was his complexion in the mirror. Mingyu noted how he was oddly pale, a stark contrast to his usual tan. Moving forward, he ran his hands through his hair, now black, and focused on how his eyes had dark circles under them.

He looked sick.

He pressed a hand to the mirror to get closer, looking at his dry and cracked lips compared to his seemingly glassy eyes. It was disgusting. For the millionth time since they began rehearsals, Mingyu felt like he would be sick. His simple reflection was one he hadn’t seen for a long time, the last time being long before debut when he’d fallen ill and wasn’t allowed to train.

The sudden rush of heat in his body made him gag, spitting into the sink and simply letting his head hang for some time before looking up again. It was bad. This whole thing was bad, and he wouldn’t even do anything about it.

Instead of worrying himself he went through his simple morning routine - minus the makeup and styling of hair - and moved out to the kitchen to make some coffee. Maybe that would make him feel better.

Standing at the counter a few minutes later his hot drink was almost half gone in his mug, his body alert and energy up. It was quiet in the dorm and he enjoyed the few moments he was able to have it before hearing footsteps enter the area.

"Mingyu-ah, why are you up so early?" The smaller man walked in with an oversized hoodie and baggy pyjama pants, sporting messy bed-hair with hands outstretched for the warm drink.

"I don't know, I just am." He poured a fresh drink and handed it over, letting Jihoon sit on the counter and lean against him as he slowly woke up.

They were silent for some time, drinking coffee in the slightly cool room, trying not to think about having to put up with another working day. Soon enough they would have some time off and everyone knew it would be full of sleeping.

"Are you okay?"

"What?"

"You look sick." Jihoon put his drink down and looked carefully at the tall boy, leaning forward to see clearer. "You haven't caught a cold, have you?"

He felt like his skin was too warm and the boy's eyes on him weren't helping.

"I'm fine, hyung. Just been practicing a lot. It’s made me tired.” He could see the other's concern, quickly finishing his coffee before moving away to find clothes for the day.

Within twenty minutes Mingyu was walking out the door with a face mask and a giant jacket covering his body, note left taped on the door for his members to see if they suddenly thought he was missing. He didn't bother with breakfast as he would worry about eating later, simply wanting to get to the studio and start his day in peace. He was glad that the doors were already open and made his way upstairs with small bows and nods to staff he passed by, a common thing for them to see the Seventeen boys at any given hour of the day no matter their schedule. They weren’t the biggest fans of having them work so hard, but it was impossible to stop the thirteen boys.

He took over the dance studio once he made it up there, closing the door quietly. His coat and mask were off, his phone was plugged in and he began working through **Fast Pace**. An odd dance in his perspective, but genius nonetheless.

It was followed by **Beautiful** and **Boom Boom** , his hair already against his forehead and his hoodie amongst his belongings, and then came the cover song.

Mingyu noted that there were no microphones to practice with so he sat in the middle of the room, twisting around his ring and catching his breath. It was the full version playing through, meaning he had to wait longer for his part, but he looked up at the mirrors and his reflection stared back with nothing but pain.

Still sick, still tired, and everything that he wasn’t.

He didn't want to sing the song. He didn't want to sing in general. He'd been given more vocal lines than rap in their latest mini album and he hated it. Singing was not his position, he was a rapper. Some days he didn't even want to be a rapper and it was one of the only things he was deemed good at.

But there were other members who had the skill too, some needing work and others being able to fill the role easily, especially the maknae. He was a triple threat in their group and it made Mingyu jealous.

Mingyu was just a face, a visual, a boy known as an overgrown puppy that was too tall and clumsy and was a good cook. He broke things and fixed things and made people laugh and was a person his friends could easily poke fun at. He didn't want to be an idol in the first place and had no talent to show at his audition. Mingyu doesn't understand why they even chose him.

With all the thoughts and angry feelings plaguing him, he failed to realise he missed his assigned part of the song, that it had ended, and that **Adore U** was almost over.

But he did hear the door open, although took no true notice of it. He just continued to stare at his reflection with itchy eyes and a lump in his throat.

"Mingyu-ah?" It was one person, he knew that, but he still couldn't tear his eyes away. "Mingyu, what's wrong?"

Of course the dancer was here early, he usually was when they had events coming up. He'd practice any hour of the day and it was normal, and the younger was envious of his talent and passion for it.

He still didn't look at him, even when he was in front of him and blocking the view of his reflection, the music now off and Soonyoung's hand on his knee gently.

"Mingyu?" He finally broke out of his trance, looking up at the dark-haired boy with blank eyes and slight confusion.

"Hyung," his voice was so small and it felt like it wasn't his, "I don't want to do it."

"What do you mean? What don't you want to do?"

"I don't want to sing the song. I can't do it. I can't get it right." His eyes were beginning to sting again and he scrunched his features, trying not to lose himself. "The others can do it but I can't, and I don't want those lines or the song. It's too much, hyung."

Hearing Mingyu's voice begin to crack, Soonyoung took the boy into his arms in a comfortable hold and let him rest against his body. He knew what Mingyu was talking about - they'd had multiple late nights in the recording studio and moments during interviews where they had to sing, and the younger was always hard on himself about his ability to perform anything other than raps, and even with those he wouldn’t let up on his mistakes. During the making of **Going Seventeen** , he realised that out of the five songs Mingyu was featured on, he only had true rapping parts in one, though not many at all.

Everyone was pushed and tried to do something different and create a new sound. The boy seemed happy enough to perform **Lean On Me** , usually cuddling up to his favourite hyung known as Wonwoo at some point during the song, and he never said no to recording any of the vocal parts he had on the album, so he wondered why he was so against it now.

Mingyu had began to lightly cry into Soonyoung's chest, muscles tense as he tried to steady himself, but he just felt so overwhelmed because he had let out his worries and still had to deal with them. Being in the dancer’s hold made him feel so much smaller than he obviously was and it was a crappy feeling.

"Mingyu-ah, why didn't you say something before?" Soonyoung sat back and let the boy lower his head, keeping his hands on his arms and stayed close.

"I didn't want to discourage the others. They like the song and can sing it well."

"So can you. You can do it really well." The lump seemed to grow in his throat and he attempted to swallow it down before speaking.

"You all laughed at me. You all always laugh at me.” It was a weak answer, mumbled and quiet but he knew Soonyoung had heard him by the sigh he emitted and how he moved his hands to his own.

"Sometimes people laugh at things that amaze them."

He couldn't take it anymore. Mingyu rolled onto his back and covered his face while a sob escaped loudly.

He felt so drained and tired and so pathetic, and he knew crying wouldn't solve anything. Soonyoung sat him up and wrapped his arms around his middle, turning awkwardly so he could hold him front on again.

"I'm just so jealous of-of everyone being able to sing a-and I can't do it! I'm not good enough!" His hold on the dancer was firm with his hands bunching up his jumper, feeling smaller than usual in his hold.

The door opened and Soonyoung looked back, seeing the earlier-named 'Favourite Hyung' dropping his book, jacket and backpack near the door and rushing over.

"What happened?" He was beside Mingyu in an instant and when the boy was in his arms he immediately held him close, more concerned about the tears than an answer. "Soonyoung, what's going on?"

Said boy did not say anything, only looking towards the youngest with sad eyes as he curled further into Wonwoo, hiding within his arms. A heartbreaking sight to anyone.

Wonwoo seemed to understand, brushing his fingers through Mingyu's hair and slightly swaying to reassure him. He doesn't know why his best friend was sobbing his heart out in the practice room but he did know that when the time came, he would talk to him about it. Not now, but soon.

~~~~~

Wonwoo had stayed with Mingyu for well over an hour before anyone showed up, keeping him close and holding him and making sure he didn't feel sick. He did. But he wouldn't tell the boy.

By the time Hansol and Jisoo arrived together it was like nothing had happened. Wonwoo was sitting against the wall with his book open, Soonyoung was watching videos on his phone, and Mingyu was once again practicing dances. The looks the elder boys sent him weren't the most subtle things.

Within another half hour everyone had arrived at the studio, multiple voices filling the space as they practiced lines and notes, others talking at the sides and the rest of the members moving through steps here and there.

They ran through the set list, songs playing almost one after the other as little things were fixed with positioning when someone was out of line or time.

The skit went smoothly, everyone having fun with it and making jokes out of nothing, occasionally 'whispering' to each other that they need to stick to the script. Even Mingyu almost forgot about his earlier breakdown.

Vocal Unit went first for their performance, actually bringing out a picnic blanket, jam sandwiches, and the two eldest even wore bread-shaped hats. It was definitely humorous for everyone - especially Seungkwan dissing both Hansol and his rap.

The dancers incorporated their ISAC choreography into the performance of **Lean On Me** and had fun with it, the slow tempo of the song drawing it out and leaving everyone to look on with a smile.

Though when the rap line stood, Wonwoo and Soonyoung watched on closely, sending looks to each other that unfortunately, were easily noticed by the leader. He was standing next to Wonwoo in line and silently asked him what was going on, but a shake of the head was all he got.

The song went smoothly, and when Mingyu performed his high notes, he _laughed_. He literally put a hand to his mouth and _laughed_. Seungcheol, completely oblivious to the situation, laughed with him - as do some of the others - and gave a thumbs up at the part while the boy next to him couldn't believe it.

When the microphones were put away everyone had a break, Wonwoo and Soonyoung pulled the leader out the door while a few other members left too, making sure Mingyu wasn't looking at the time.

"What's going on?" The three moved to the end of the hall, away from where anyone would usually walk, standing around the corner so they were out of sight.

"Mingyu is keeping secrets."

Meanwhile, still in the practice room, said boy was sitting against the wall on his phone, reading through an article about training your voice for singing. He's never truly had to sit down and take the time to practice holding notes and spacing out words, always running them together in quick sentences with a breath here and there at any pitch or tone he feels is comfortable. Though it took a lot to be a rapper, Mingyu felt like he was good enough for it.

Jeonghan slumped down next to him and he quickly exited the article and Internet app, putting the phone away. He wasn't questioned, the older only leaning on his shoulder.

"Why that song, hyung?"

"Because when you hear 'jam', you immediately think of the spread. It's funny." Mingyu nodded, agreeing that it indeed was funny, and kept quiet after that. He was tired after it all, wishing he didn't end up wasting so much energy by letting his emotions out. He should have kept his mouth shut from the moment Soonyoung asked him what was wrong.

Seungkwan was across the room, still singing like it was the air he breathed, and Mingyu cringed.

"Does he ever stop?" Jeonghan looked over at the boy in question, an incredulous look on his face.

"You're asking me that when you've known him much longer than I have? Besides, we all know Seungkwan won't ever stop unless he's made to. One of the things we like about him."

"It's annoying."

Jeonghan immediately sat up and stared at him, shocked at the words that came out of Mingyu's mouth. He wasn't a rude person; he would joke and poke fun, but was never rude. It made him speechless considering the singer was very close to Mingyu.

"What?"

"He's always singing like it's no big deal, and it's annoying." He was in a bad mood, and the look on his face was the usual one when he watched his friends perform and felt envious. It was the clenched jaw and hard stare that gave him away, and even in the medium-sized practice room they occupied, his voice travelled and caught the attention of a few members that were both still present and those who had returned to the area.

"Mingyu, don't say things like that." He only scoffed at Jeonghan and stood up, moving to leave the room. But the boy followed and stopped him by the wrist. "Mingyu listen-"

"Shut up, I don't care." Everyone was watching them but the older wouldn't back down.

"You don't get to talk to me like that, I'm your hyung."

"In case you can't tell, I'm not in the mood right now so I'd appreciate it if you left me alone." Mingyu's voice held venom as he slightly lowered himself to the boy's height, not much of a change but still obvious in his actions.

“Learn some respect, Kim Mingyu.”

"Learn to give me space, _Yoon Jeonghan_.”

"I will when you understand not to be rude to your members."

The remaining three returned to the room at that moment, all confused and watching closely, though not moving forward to do anything.

"I'm nice to everyone all the time and you just walk all over me and expect me to take it. I don't want to! I want for you all to understand that I'm not a person you can just laugh at when I can't hit a fucking note!" Mingyu was mad and right in Jeonghan's face, the older now slowly backing away at his words.

"Hyung-"

"Stay out of this Hansol!" Said boy kept by Seungkwan's side, trying not to show just how scared he was.

Mingyu never gets mad at anyone, ever, and this was all new and absolutely terrifying. Even Seungcheol, who had spent many times with each member talking about their thoughts and feelings and inner conflicts in order to get through them, had never encountered this side of Mingyu. He was worried.

"Mingyu." Said boy turned to the leader, seeing Soonyoung and Wonwoo by his side and he knew. He knew they told him what happened, and once again, he laughed.

"Wow. You know, I expected this from our Performance leader since he can't seem to keep his mouth shut, but you, Wonwoo? You've surprised me once again." The older kept his eyes on him, knowing just how much they've been through since being trainees and how over the last few months, they've become quite close again, so he knew he hurt him.

Mingyu had moved forward as he spoke and now stood in front of him, looking him over, eyes filled with nothing but disgust. He didn't want to be mad, but out of everyone, he thought he could trust his hyung, his _best friend_ , the most.

"Maybe you should move to the vocal unit instead of having to put up with me, as you put it." With that, he pushed past him and picked up his things, leaving the room, making sure to slam the door on his way out.

~~~~~

Practice had been cancelled for the remainder of the day after it was discovered Mingyu had left the building, was not at the dorm, and could not be reached by phone. Everyone felt concerned for his whereabouts, not wanting for anything to happen to him or for any major conflicts.

Mingyu had decided he needed to get away from his members and anything to do with them. They all had bad days throughout the years and it was common for them all to want some space, though difficult, did manage to happen. So he figured that if he wasn't going to spend time with his members, he would meet up with his friends instead.

Seokmin and Minghao weren't people he wanted to see right now. Yugyeom and Bambam were in another country. Jaehyun was busy. All his 97-line friends were busy with their own groups, except Jungkook.

He called him and asked if he had time, which he did, and almost managed to keep the desperation out of his voice when asking if they could hang out. He wasn't sure if Jungkook noticed his tone, but most likely did since he agreed almost straight away.

It took Mingyu about twenty minutes to make it to the Big Hit studios, his friend waiting in the foyer when he walked in. They shared a quick hug before moving upstairs to the practice room, large and white and so different to what Mingyu was used to.

"The others are at the dorm since it's our day off. I thought you had rehearsal?" They sat against one of the walls lazily, the younger knowing to get comfortable.

"I did. But I'm having a bad day and couldn't take it anymore." He tightened his grip on the water bottle and chewed his lip, the other noticing. Mingyu wasn't alright, and he was going to do whatever he could to comfort his friend.

"Well, I'm right here when you want to talk about it. That is, if you're comfortable doing so."

The older turned to look at him, battling an inner conflict that won't seem to go away lately.

"Would you tell anyone?"

"Only if it was necessary."

Mingyu opened the bottle and drank almost half, closing his eyes and resting his head back against the wall afterwards. Jungkook was patient with him, knowing just how hard it is to talk about things with someone, no matter how close you are.

So he waited, letting Mingyu know that he didn't have to say anything for someone to listen.

~~~~~

Mingyu told Jungkook everything, and it included tears and anger and hurt, and after that they spent hours together. They stayed at Big Hit until it was late, the older saying he would walk his friend to his dorm as it was closer than his own. The trip was quiet, not many words being shared, and when they arrived they were almost tackled by Taehyung.

"Mingyu-ah, it's good to see you!" He embraced him despite the embarrassment on his friends' face, knowing that the older was close with Jisoo since they share a birthday.

"It's good to see you too." The conversation was short, saying that the boy was welcome to come visit any time, and when it was the two friends left, Jungkook made sure he actually understood that.

"Mingyu, if you ever need anything, you can talk to me. I may not always be there to see you in person but, you can text or call me. I'll be there for you." His words were firm and he looked at him even when he looked away, and he knew that he understood.

"Thank you Jungkook, for being my friend." They shared one last hug, the younger sending a small wave that was returned before he closed the door.

Mingyu took a deep breath and turned, taking out his phone and discovering just how many times he'd been contacted over the past few hours.

Thirty-two text messages overall.

Eighteen phone calls overall.

Each member had sent at least two, most being that they were worried about him, and then hoping he would come home soon. A lot came from Seungcheol as well as Jihoon and even Jisoo, their worry much more obvious.

Same with the phone calls, although it was mostly one from each, multiple from the three who bombarded his messages, and even from management. The most calls were from management. He was screwed.

From what he gathered, the members would be at the dorm and would be patient with him, not pressuring anything, so he decided to instead go back to the PLEDIS building.

~~~~~

"Mingyu, I understand there was an incident today at practice and you ended up leaving. Is that true?"

"Yes sir, it is."

"Can you please tell me why this happened?"

The office was much too large for only the two of them to be seated, nothing like the meeting room the group has been in multiple times, but it still felt unsettling.

Mingyu fidgeted in his seat and chewed on his lip, knowing he couldn't really escape or back out now, but he just hoped he could make it out alive.

"I've been feeling pressured since preparations for our shows began. We've decided to switch songs between our units, and I'm not at the same level as the other members of my unit." He still wouldn't look up, feeling like he was wasting the man's time as he was unable to get to a certain level with his talents.

"I understand your unit is covering a Vocal Team's song? Their latest one, to be precise?"

"Yes sir."

The way his voice was shaking made him wish this wasn't so complicated and that he wasn't lacking in singing. That he was just as talented as the others.

Instead he can barely raise his voice above a murmur when he sings. Pathetic.

"You don't feel confident in your singing?" Wow, it really did sound pathetic.

"No sir." There was the first crack as he spoke.

He wasn't going to break down in front of the man as it would see him as unworthy to be part of Seventeen. Maybe he should reconsider his position in the group; decide whether or not he's actually doing the right thing with his life.

"Mingyu..."

Finally looking up, the CEO was removing his glasses and placing them on the table, sitting back in his chair. Mingyu greatly respected the man for all he had done for him, but he wishes right now this conversation didn't exist.

He didn't want to be told he wasn't good enough. He didn't want to be laughed at. He didn't want to have his contract terminated all because he wasn't as talented as the other twelve members.

No matter how much Mingyu hated feeling pathetic, he preferred it over feeling unwanted.

When the man spoke, Mingyu looked at him, knowing whatever was to happen, he was grateful for the opportunities given to him.

"Mingyu, I've worked in this type of place for many years. I've been through countless auditions and given out contracts to so many people I see as talented. They all go through the same process: audition, training, and if they make it, debut. People get cut if being an idol isn't for them, or if they aren't ready and other reasons. Some leave, and some are removed. Now ask yourself; why are you still here?"

The question was confusing, but he answered with what he believed to be acceptable.

"Because I've proven myself?"

"Yes, as well as...?"

"I've worked hard?"

"Of course, and...?" Mingyu didn't have an answer, the man understanding, "and you are talented."

The words shot him straight through the heart, making him lose his breath for a moment as he looked down at his lap in shock.

"I know you never wanted this in the first place, and you had nothing to audition with. I know you've worked countless years on dancing and rapping and have become a person that others admire. You have wonderful friends, and amazing fans. They all care about you. The staff, management, myself - we all want to see you boys succeed."

Mingyu bit him bottom lip, trying to remain in control as it all sunk in.

"It doesn't matter if you can't sing as well as others in your group, because you are making an effort to do your best, and everyone will accept that. No one is perfect, and you can't force yourself to be perfect. You're still learning, and there's nothing wrong with that."

All he could do was nod, still not looking up. Mingyu felt overwhelmed, once again, but for another reason. He didn't believe it was okay for him to struggle so much with a simple task as he's lived his whole life relying on people to tell him he's good enough. To rap, dance, cook, be funny, have the right outlook on life.

He dived straight in to being an idol because he was told to take a chance, and he did. Truly, he regrets nothing as being in Seventeen has changed his life for the better. But sometimes he wishes things were more normal.

"Go home, and talk to your friends. Tell them the truth about how you feel, and they will understand." Nodding, the boy took a moment to collect himself before standing and bowing to the CEO, who returned it, giving a 'thank you' before leaving. He stopped outside the office for a moment and checked his phone, seeing no new messages or phone calls, but knew that they would be waiting.

Mingyu started the walk back to the dorms in silence, wishing that tomorrow would be better.

~~~~~

The boy stood against the wall with the others sitting in the small living space in front of him, all quiet and patient and waiting for him to speak. It was daunting to say the least, but he had to do it.

“I want to say it all and just get it out there so please don’t make me try and repeat myself because I might not be able to.” It was answered with silent nods and small murmurs of ‘sure’ and ‘of course’. He couldn’t back out, not with them all like this. Not after the mess he’s already made.

So he started small, doing the right thing first which was to apologise.

“I’m sorry. I know that lately I haven’t been myself - I’ve been rude and selfish and an awful person, and I know I can’t take back anything I said or how I acted, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry.” The start was the easy part, and now he had to continue with an explanation. He took a deep breath, willing himself to at least look at some of them before ducking his head again.

“Recently, I’ve been feeling insecure with myself. Since it was decided we were covering a Vocal Unit’s song, my thoughts and feelings have jumbled up. You all know I’m not the most confident when it comes to singing, and that I don’t like to do it but will if I have to. I guess it’s just the fact that we chose this song and I was assigned these parts.”

Mingyu knew that they were all aware of his thoughts on the task of singing. It wasn’t first nature like most of the members, some more used to rapping and others letting dance take over. But they all sang, and they sang in such an amazing way. He just couldn’t reach their level.

“It was selfish of me not to say anything at the time and let it drag on. It was selfish of me to act like it was no big deal. But it was, and honestly, I don’t want to cover this song. I don’t believe I can make it good enough. I know you can do it,” he gestures to the three members of the Hip Hop Unit with a small voice, “and I didn’t want to let you down when it was clear how excited you were to perform it. I just said that it was okay.

“Truthfully, I don’t feel like I can perform it well. But I’m going to try. I won’t let any of you down or be selfish and make you feel like you have to change it because of me. I want to try, and if you or others end up laughing at me because I can’t hit a note, then so be it.” He pulled at the sleeves of his hoodie and dragged them down to his fingers, finding more interest in them than the people in front of him.

He heard shuffling, still not looking up, and before he could register it there were arms around him. Seungkwan. Of course it was Seungkwan, he’s always so lovely to everyone. He felt overcome with emotions at the mere thought of the boy he ridiculed earlier that day being the first one to approach him once he had admitted his inner conflict, and he wrapped his arms tighter around his waist and buried his face in his shoulder as a sob escaped.

Now really wasn’t the time to cry, but Mingyu bottles things up all too often and is always strong for others, never wanting to let his weaknesses show. So when he was pulled forward away from the wall and more pairs of arms enveloped him from every side, he let another sob out, and another, and another. They kept coming until he couldn’t hold them in anymore, and the boys around him all held on that little bit tighter.

~~~~~

It was less than a week before the first show at **Caratland**. Mingyu had taken his time to work through practicing the song, being patient and easy on himself and going to multiple members to ask for advice and tips. Unit and group practices were smooth, little jokes and laughs being shared, and Mingyu seemed to laugh the most at his parts, the other members simply smiling with him in encouraging ways and in knowing that he wasn’t feeling as pressured anymore.

He let them know when he was and they understood, and really, when anyone at all in the group felt pressured, it was understood. Their days had become longer and longer now that the performances were closer, and everyone was feeling the strain of belting out song after song and dancing until they felt their legs would melt into the floor.

When their team had given them the afternoon off as reward for working so hard and getting everything done multiple times over in the usual time space they used, they went back to the dorm to rest, everyone showering and most moving to the living area to seat in front of the television while ordering food.

Mingyu entered one of the bedrooms, closing the door behind him again and stood against it. Wonwoo was in front of him, running a towel over his hair in an attempt to dry it, slowing the process when he noticed the younger.

“Hi Mingyu-ah.”

“Hi hyung.”

Things had been awkward with them since that day. They hadn’t had a moment to converse by themselves as there was always someone else around, and the younger had felt like he needed to talk with him one-on-one to clear the air.

“C-Can we talk?” Wonwoo removed the towel from his hair and nodded, going to sit down on one of the bunks to which Mingyu followed and sat down on the opposite. The space between the two wasn’t all that much as the rooms were small and had multiple beds, but it was comfortable.

It took Mingyu longer than he thought to start the conversation, always finding it hard to talk to his friend. They’d been the closest out of everyone when they were trainees and frequently clung to each other, so it was awkward for them to not be able to talk and interact like they used to.

“I didn’t mean what I said to you that day. I was frustrated and upset, and I just, I saw you with Seungcheol-hyung and Soonyoung-hyung and I lost it. I don’t want you to change units, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to always put up with me.”

This was common lately; Mingyu would apologise profusely to any member he could and he’d ramble and talk too fast and fidget and in the end they told him he didn’t have to worry as they understood. He’d been to eleven members in a week and Wonwoo was the last person, and oddly enough, he felt like it was the hardest conversation to have. It wasn’t the older’s fault, it’s simply that Mingyu has worked himself up over everything.

He didn’t say anything for a few moments, leaving Mingyu to feel anxious and involuntarily bite at his nails, which were already short enough, and this made Wonwoo stand and sit beside him, taking his hand away from his mouth to stop the action.

“It’s alright Mingyu, we all have bad days and bad moments and do stupid things. I admit, what you said did hurt a bit,” the confession made him flinch and tighten the still loose grip on the boy’s hand, “but I know you didn’t mean it. I know that anger and insecurity can change the way we act, and I forgive you.”

Mingyu attempted a smile, a small one at that, but it was still present to the other and it was returned easily. He pulled the younger to lay down beside him on the small bed, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to hold him close. “I’m sorry too, for going to Seungcheol-hyung behind your back and making you feel like you couldn’t trust me. Soonyoung and I were just worried about you.”

“I know, you were just looking out for me. I should have spoken up about it when we first decided on it.”

“Maybe this is just a step forward in us all learning to trust each other more, even with our insecurities. It’s okay to mess up. We all do it and have to deal with the consequences.” The younger thought back to the time when Wonwoo was sick and couldn’t participate in any type of promotions or performances, even travel, and he tightened the arm that was across said boy’s waist in the slightest. There was a lot of talk about it and he wishes it could be erased from his past, but they got through it despite the difficulty of having one member absent.

He could feel himself drifting off slightly, trying to keep his weight off Wonwoo in case he didn’t want to stay, but his head was drooping on his chest and was noted.

“Get some rest, the others won’t mind.” Nodding, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, enjoying the comfort from his hyung and friend. It was comforting and he missed it. He missed everything he had pushed away from, including being comfortable with the group as a whole.

But he was getting better and learning to speak up instead of feeling embarrassed or awkward and it was a nice change. He was almost okay again, even if he could still feel the sick feelings wrapping around his heart and flowing through his veins. Though they need not know.

“Mingyu?”

“Hm?”

“당신은 오늘 좋은 일을 했 어.”


End file.
